By Kyle CavazosIllustration by Crystal Garcia
ORANGE interprets the celestial bodies to give you the horoscope you deserve. Each star’s position was carefully deciphered to guide you for the month of November.
Editors’ note: This is a satirical piece.
Aries: You’ll want to rely on knee-high socks this month as your rash will be coming back. Also try some calamine lotion.
Taurus: The sudden drop in temperature is a sign from God to stop wearing those flip-flops with every outfit.
Gemini: Thankfully, you haven’t worn white since Labor Day. Well, not because Labor Day happened, but because you ruin everything you wear.
Cancer: Your hard work will finally pay off for the kid who’s been cheating off your homework.
Leo: That special someone who’s been texting you has also been texting me. So… this is awkward.
Virgo: Stability is coming. Now that you’ve failed three tests and were charged late fees on this month’s rent.
Libra: Do your 8 a.m. classmates a favor and chew on a breath mint. Your morning breath has been a topic of discussion for a while now.
Scorpio: People are starting to wonder why you’re still wearing your Halloween makeup. Don’t worry, I’ve already told them it’s not makeup.
Sagittarius: Yes, that subtweet was about you.
Capricorn: By the end of the month, Netflix will have suggested “Are We There Yet” an embarrassing amount of times.
Aquarius: The stars have aligned to get you that big interview, but not to catch the bus taking you there.
Pisces: You’ll be a tad upset to find out your roommates have been throwing sick parties every weekend you’ve been out of town.