ACL: How to Be the Ideal Festivalgoer

It’s time for Austin City Limits, and we are too #fest to be #stressed. If there’s one thing that can be expected at every stage, it’s a big crowd. ORANGE Buzz has prepared a guide for how to be the ideal festivalgoer. So read up, pack your fanny pack and we’ll see you at the fest.

By Emily Gibson

1.    Complain loudly about the group in front of you and begin a war that will span the entire set, ruining it for the both of you.

Music festivals aren’t so much about the “music” as they are about your position among the hundreds of other sorry posers trying to catch a glimpse of the tiny human-shaped blob that everyone is screaming at on stage. It’s an all-out turf war. So if someone is in front of you, do not be chill about it. Don’t realize that the music is going to sound the same no matter where you stand. Don’t take the large groups of people having fun in front of you as a cue to do the same. Fight. Battle. Win. And don’t give up until the band is done or one of you is ejected from the #fest.

2.    Don’t know the lyrics? Don’t let that stop you.

Okay, so you’ve been hearing, “Last night she said, ‘Oh, baby, I feel so down. Oh it turns me off, when I feel left out’” as “Past fights, pieces, Parcheesi blah blah blah blah, Oh it turns me on, when I feel the ground.” It happens. Be proud of your inability to deduce that your nonsensical mumbo jumbo isn’t the actual words or anything close to them. In fact, the original artist should consider a rewrite, and hopefully if you yell loud enough, they will hear you.

3.    Make the joke.

Whatever joke is on the tip of your tongue, whatever you want to scream: do it. Say it. Scream it. Scream it so loud all of Zilker Park will hear it. Come on, scream it. Everybody really wants you to, they’re going to think it’s really funny.

4.    PDA? More like PD-Yay!

There is absolutely nothing that hot, sweaty people love more during their eight hour tenure at a stage than celebrating your love with you. It is so exciting to see young people so comfortable with each other that they want the entire world to watch them play a five-round game of tonsil hockey where everybody loses. #couplegoals, am I right?

5.    Make fun of everyone who dances.

What nerds! What, did they come here to watch one of their favorite bands? Everybody knows dancing at concerts was only cool pre-2010. If you see someone whip out a cabbage patch, be sure to imitate it, then look anxiously at your friends for approval. Shadow that unruly dancer’s every move until, hopefully, they get so embarrassed they stop having fun.

6. You can, and you will, do everything. No matter the cost.

Are you in the center of a giant crowd with only 10 minutes to get to the next show you want to see? Being late isn’t an option. Friends must be sacrificed. People’s toes are collateral damage. There is nothing standing between you and the other stage except for a few hundred feet and respect for other people and their personal space. Demolish them. Push. Claw. Fight. This is your fest. This is your moment.