If Political Candidates Were Austin Restaurants

 

Austin’s got a ton of great restaurants to choose from, and they all have distinct personalities. If you aren’t too brushed up on politics and are wondering who to vote for, this handy guide will help: Simply find your favorite Austin restaurant on the list and our magical powers will tell you its candidate match. (But seriously, if you’re relying on this to find a candidate to support, do some research and get informed! An informed voter is a smart voter.)

By Christy Vanderwater
Illustrations by Daniela Munoz

Hillary Clinton: Kerbey Lane

Hillary Clinton has been in politics forever, like our good friend Kerbey Lane Cafe has been in Austin forever. Similar to how it wouldn’t be Austin without Kerbey queso, it wouldn’t be politics without Hill (or the scandal of #servergate to spice things up).

Jeb Bush: Chipotle

Let’s be honest, you thought with good ol’ Jeb born right here in Texas, he’s sure to be barbecue, right? Wrong. Chipotle’s where Jeb’s at: There are so many Bushes involved in politics, just like you can’t go very far without finding a Chipotle in Austin. For all it claims to be, Chipotle isn’t exactly the most authentic Mexican food in Austin — similarly, Bush’s Spanish skills, while quite good, are not native to the man.

Ben Carson: JuiceLand

JuiceLand is healthy, so it’s sure to be approved by our doctor/Republican candidate, Ben Carson. But if you’re like me, you have to be in the mood for JuiceLand, just like with Ben here.

Bernie Sanders: Torchy’s

Bernie Sanders is a candidate who has successfully appealed to a younger generation, much like Austin’s own Torchy’s Tacos — spreading like wildfire across the state. Besides, Torchy’s has some of the best damn habanero sauce I’ve ever tasted. Can you #feelthebern?

Carly Fiorina: Vert’s

Much like Carly Fiorina, VertsKebap’s return to the Drag (along with its spicy red sauce) was underappreciated. People didn’t realize Carly’s potential until she got a chance to show off her debate skills.

Ted Cruz: Gourdough’s

Has anyone ever genuinely questioned what Ted Cruz is doughing in the presidential race? Sure, he’s full of interesting flavor, but he doesn’t deliver, just like Gourdough’s.

Donald Trump: Austin’s Pizza

Trump is very direct and doesn’t care what others think of him. Just like our old favorite, Austin’s Pizza. He’s got plenty of die-hard supporters, but there are so many other options.

Martin O’Malley: Mozart’s

Martin O’Malley’s restaurant match is Mozart’s, obvi. Both are distant: Mozart’s, with its good coffee and hipster vibe, is sure to impress. O’Malley is too, but will the mainstream notice him? Just like Mozart’s, he might be too far away from the spotlight.