ORANGE Magazine Presents: The Roast of Starbucks

Nothing says “Happy Holidays” like a venti quad-shot no-foam breve vanilla latte. At least, according to Twitter user Josh Feuerstein.

By Emily Gibson

Feuerstein, a self-proclaimed American evangelist and social media personality, demanded that his ranks of intelligent American followers boycott Starbucks for their move to redesign this year’s holiday-themed cups. Feuerstein’s call to arms also demanded disgruntled customers march into one of the company’s 20,000+ locations, give the company their hard-earned money, then have the barista write “Merry Christmas” on the cup when they ask for a name. He asked that participants of his challenge tag their crusades of activism with the hashtag #MerryChristmasStarbucks.

And the drastic redesign in question that started this whole ordeal? The coffee chain removed the snowflakes from their iconic red cups. Now, the cups are just plain dark fuschia blending into a deep red, instead of being red...but with snowflakes on them.

Starbucks’ blatant attempt to ruin Christmas doesn’t come as a surprise to anyone who has watched the company since their founding in 1971. In fact, their Grinch-esque escapade is only a small part of a bigger plot to not only obliterate the joy during this holiday season, but all joy in the United States of America.

Don’t believe us? Take a look at some of Starbucks’ other Scrooge-y schemes:

4. Seeing Green

When the company isn’t ruining Christmas with their red cups and matching red aprons, Starbucks baristas’ aprons are typically green. Try to think of something else that’s green and, much like the caffeine in Starbucks drinks, corrupting the minds of the populous. That’s right: marijuana. Mary Jane. Weed. Pot. Skunk. It’s evident Starbucks is promoting the marijuana agenda, and subliminally communicating to the long lines of caffeine-crazed lemmings who wait outside their stores daily that smoking “dope” is cool, even fun.

With each sweet sip of soy iced chai latte , you might as well be shouting to the world, “Marijuana is cool! Come on, everyone is doing it!”

3. Sleep Deprived in Seattle

Every Starbucks fanatic knows that company was founded in the “Emerald City,” Seattle. Seattle is known for the seemingly endless rain, the emergence of the ‘90s grunge scene and glassblowing, sure. But has anyone stopped to think about Seattle’s biggest claim to mainstream fame? The classic romantic comedy starring America’s sweethearts Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks, “Sleepless in Seattle." The movie was released in 1993, 22 years after Starbucks opened their first location in the city.

It doesn’t take a genius to realize this treasured rom-com was a call for help and a warning to future generations about the true corruption of Starbucks. What does the coffee company serve? Caffeine. What does caffeine do? Keeps you awake. Some might even say it makes you sleepless. Sleepless….in Seattle, perhaps?

2. Kiss From a Rose?

One time, I went into a Starbucks and they were playing Seal’s 1994 hit “Kiss From a Rose.” This is not a good song, and I so do not enjoy listening to it. I began to wonder whether they were playing “Kiss From A Rose” at this particular Starbucks only, or if it is on the coffee shop’s playlist, and is potentially played at other locations. That means: Starbucks stores have potentially played Seal’s “Kiss From A Rose,” a very bad song, somewhere in the hundreds, maybe even the thousands of times.

Just terrible.

1. Moby Dick

The company is named after Starbuck, the first mate on the ship in Herman Melville’s epic novel “Moby Dick.” I had to write a paper on “Moby Dick” when I was in high school, and I did not enjoy reading the book. I thought it was dry and 400 pages too long. I would have enjoyed the book better if there were more pictures, too. There were barely any pictures in the entire novel.

I don’t know why Starbucks would name their company after the character from a boring novel, but I can only imagine it is because they want to bore America… to death...

But, actually, I think a quote from Starbuck in the most boring book I have ever read, “Moby Dick,” summarizes the Red Cup scandal pretty efficiently: “To be enraged with a dumb thing… seems blasphemous.”

So Merry Christmas, Josh Feuerstein, my name is Starbucks. Wait, no — Merry Starbucks, Christmas, my name is Feuerstein.

Oh, whatever.