How to Stay Single

By Emily Nash 

So you want to stay single for the summer, but you don’t know how to get rid all of the beautiful folks who just can’t seem to stay the hell away. Forget about Wikihow — ORANGE has a step-by-step guide on how to stay single. Forever.

1. Right after you meet someone, say you’re in love with them

Remember that episode of “How I Met Your Mother” where Ted tells Robin he’s in love with her the day he meets her, and she totally freaks out? If you follow this step seconds after meeting someone who seems vaguely interested in pursuing a relationship with you, simply pull a Ted Mosby and tell them, “I think I’m in love with you.” It will surely leave them shocked. They will most likely run away.

2. Pretend you’re from a made-up country

If you’re like me and are really bad at faking accents, this step should be pretty easy. Just make up an accent. Tell your love interest that you’re from a made-up country. Bonus points, make up some weird traditions. Tell them that in your made-up country, coughing on someone’s hand is equivalent to shaking it.

3. Talk about “Mean Girls” nonstop

This step might be a little bit tricky, as you have to think on your feet. In a conversation, relate everything your person of interest says to a scene of a movie of your choice. For example, if they happen to mention that their math class sucks, yell, “The limit does not exist!” and then continue to talk about "Mean Girls" for the entire rest of the conversation. They might go along with this for awhile, but soon they’ll find an excuse to leave.

4. Bring an imaginary friend with you everywhere you go

Whether you’re going on a dreaded date, or simply going to the grocery store, bring your imaginary friend, Timmy, with you. Introduce Timmy — or whatever name you choose — to people as your absolute best friend. If you’re on a dinner date, order for Timmy, make sure that Timmy feels included in the conversation and, of course, hold Timmy’s hand if he’s feeling a little shy. People will think you’re weird and might begin to feel sorry for you.

5. Pull an old, raw fish out of your bag and present it to them as a gift

After getting to know someone a little better to where you feel the time is right, pull out a large, raw fish from your purse or bag, and present it to them as a special little gift. When you see the surprised look on their face, say something like, “I know we’ve only just met, but this is just a way to show my affection towards you.” Let them know that as the relationship progresses, there will be many more similar gifts to come. If they think it’s just a shitty joke the first time around, stick to your word and keep giving them these small tokens of your appreciation. Your love interest will eventually see you are serious. The smellier the animal, the better.

6. Just don’t be yourself!

Obviously, all of the gorgeous people on this earth want you because you are an awesome human being — it’s no wonder you’re seeking advice on how to stay single. The best piece of advice is to just not be yourself! Be the worst, most annoying person you can possibly be. This is a guaranteed way to avoid a relationship.

That doesn’t seem so hard, does it? If you follow these six easy steps, I promise that you will succeed in staying single for the rest of your life.