Story by Dahlia Dandashi and Estephanie Gomez
Illustrations by Lauren Nail
You may have survived the last week of classes, but final exams are just around the metaphorical corner, and you're probably not ready for them. Here's how to lose your shit.
Step 1: Do nothing
Start your epic journey by sitting on your couch and doing nothing. This is the most crucial and essential step to freaking out.
Step 2: Netflix
There is no better way to skip classes the week before exams than by chillin’ in your snuggie and binge-watching Friends. Make sure to stock up on chips and salsa to energize you for this task.
Step 3: Let the group text know you’re about to lose your shit by complaining about all the studying you have and yet still continue to avoid it
As you remain camped out on your couch from steps one and two, frantically text your friends about all the exams you have. Instead of starting some practice problems or heading to the library, you make sure your friends know you’re the one who has the most to study for. Continue this throughout the week.
Step 4: Eat your whole pantry during your ‘study break’ and then complain that you have no food for your 2 a.m. snack
What are you going to do, starve? Head over to a 24-hour diner (we suggest Kerbey Lane for the pancakes.) You’ll be going alone, because all your friends are actually studying. Once you get home, make sure to fall asleep on the couch again to ensure minimal success.
Step 5: Decide that it’s a good time to do your laundry
You haven’t done laundry in five months, but hey, the day before your statistics final is the perfect day to do it! Go forth, my child — clean those sheets.
Step 6: Start your rap career
Open up Garageband and get working. It’s essential to write all about the difficulties of life, pressures of school, and how much studying you must accomplish in the coming days. Take some potential album cover photos too. Dress up like Eminem.
Step 7: Make a trip to the gym to workout — or just lie on a mat for a couple of hours
Even if you don’t do anything there, you can humblebrag to all your friends that you made time to hit the gym like the perfect person you are. Insert sassy girl flipping her hair emoji.
Step 8: Go to Mozart’s or any other outside cafe to study with a ‘view’ but instead get some nice Instagram shots
Step 9: Tell yourself you will be rewarded with a night downtown if you finish an assignment, but end up only doing half and then spending the rest of the hour getting ready and forgetting about school
When you wake up hungover in the morning, remember that you did it for the dancing. Memories > grades right? At least that’s what you will tell your mom when she asks about your classes.
Step 10: Calculate the time it would take you to walk back to your hometown because after you epically fail these exams, you’ll have no option but to go home in shame
You used a calculator for this, so at least that counts for something. Don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of time to make up for all the math and calculations you didn’t do when you’re at home.. on the couch… watching netflix… with chips and salsa.
Extra step: Become a math wiz and try to calculate the lowest grade you can make on the final without failing the class.
You have to have realistic goals, right?
You've just wasted another precious 10 minutes of studying by reading this article. Congratulations, you're already on the right track!