If Longhorns Controlled the White House

Editor's Note: This story originally appeared in our fifth digital issue.

A new political party is being formed as we speak. This party is neither Republican nor Democratic. No blue or red here, only burnt orange.

Story by Natalie Heineman

Illustrations by Sonia Margolin

This party runs on the five core values of the University of Texas at Austin. Integrity, honesty, trust, fairness and respect are the pillars that this party vows to uphold. Say goodbye to “E pluribus unum” and say hello to the new national motto, “Just keep livin’.” No more stuffy, black-tie state dinners, this party exclusively hosts heads of foreign nations while tubing down the Potomac River, a breakfast taco in each hand. Get registered to vote for the biggest and newest political organization: the Longhorns.

 

Matthew McConaughey, President of the United States

McConaughey has everything the leader of the free world needs: intelligence, charm and determination. His campaign slogan takes “alright, alright, alright” up a notch and says he can make America even “better, better, better.”

 

Marcia Gay Harden, Vice President

Harden is the yin to McConaughey’s yang. From playing an emotionally-hardened ER doctor on “Code Black,” to Viola Davis’ suspicious sister-in-law on “How to Get Away with Murder,” Harden proves she could uphold the serious prestige of this office. While McConaughey is on the White House lawn tossing a football with German Chancellor Angela Merkel, Harden is inside making sure they remember to sign an important international agreement.

 

Betty Nguyen, Secretary of State

Nguyen is no stranger to travel. As a broadcast journalist, she has interviewed people all over the world, from Myanmar to Zimbabwe. Nguyen knows how to treat people of all different cultures with respect, and as a journalist, she is already trained on being fair and objective, making her a perfect Secretary of State.

 

Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Secretary of Education

Tyson is quite possibly the funniest man in astrophysics. He is able to brilliantly take a complicated scientific theory and explain it in a way that the average person can understand (or at least laugh at). America’s education system needs work. Young people must be instilled with a love of learning, and Tyson is the best man for that job.

 

Owen Wilson, Secretary of Defense

We can already hear Wilson’s raspy voice making demands. Similar to how he crashed receptions in the movie “Wedding Crashers,” Wilson can crash the computers of terrorist cells. This time, he can do it without Vince Vaughn by his side.

 

Travis Scott, Secretary of the Treasury

Scott spelled his name “Travi$ Scott” in his early career, and we hope he will continue to use that spelling during his time as Treasury Secretary. Scott will have the lyrics “I just want dinero” printed on all U.S. currency to stimulate America’s financial system and encourage a robust consumer economy.

 

Wes Anderson, Secretary of Interior

As a film director, Wes Anderson is no stranger to the outdoors. His indie films often feature flat space, symmetric camera movement and a color palette that showcases beautiful natural scenes. Anderson will transform our National Parks into aesthetic masterpieces.

 

Sanya Richards-Ross, Secretary of Agriculture

Richards-Ross is a four time Olympic gold medal winner in track and field. Her charity, the Sanya Richards Fast Track Program, helps children in her native Jamaica with literacy and math, while promoting a healthy lifestyle. As secretary of agriculture, Richards-Ross will proudly oversee the Food Safety and Inspection Services, as well as the Food Stamp Program to make sure the American people that they are getting the best quality food.

 

Michael Dell, Secretary of Health and Human Services

Before designing upgrade kits for personal computers, Dell began his undergraduate career on the pre-med track. UT’s brand new Dell Medical School, was partially funded by Dell. This CEO cares deeply about health care and would make a perfect Secretary of Health and Human Services.

 

Richard Linklater, Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

When a natural disaster strikes, this department needs someone committed to the job. Linklater is highly devoted to his craft. Two of his movies, “Before” and “Boyhood,” were filmed over an extended number of years, which confirms his dedication to perfection. If a hurricane leaves families without homes or a city needs more public housing, Linklater will not stop working until the problem is resolved and projects are finished.

 

Jay and Mark Duplass, Secretaries of Energy

These brothers are inseparable. On nearly all of their projects, they work together to create innovative and unique ways to portray a story on screen — from the twisting road trip in “The Puffy Chair,” to the strange humor in “The Overnight.” The Department of Energy could use their brilliant minds to think up new forms of clean, environmentally-friendly energy sources.

 

William H. McRaven, Secretary of Homeland Security

McRaven is a former Navy admiral who organized and oversaw the special ops raid that directly led to the death of terrorist Osama Bin Laden. If that’s not enough to give him the job, McRaven also served as a director for the National Security Council, one of the positions that advise the president. Admiral McRaven is probably the most qualified alumni on this list for any position.

 

Jeb Bush, Secretary of Veterans Affairs

The main role of this job is to ensure veterans have access to quality health care. When Bush ran for president, he said, “as president, reforming the Department of Veterans Affairs will be a top priority.” He won’t be president, but he’ll at least have something to do.