Your Comedic Horoscope for the Month of March

A new month is upon us and before we make any judgments about how it will go or how we should act, we have to consider our horoscopes. After all, they provide us with meaningful guidance and life advice. Here are the horoscopes for the month of March.

Story by Briana Zamora

Illustration by Lauren Nail

Aquarius

The aura of insincerity surrounding Jupiter indicates astrologists are meritless pseudo-scientists whose predictions are indistinguishable from chance and are vague and generic enough to accommodate a wide range of people. The stars say maybe reading horoscopes is not a productive way to spend your existence.

Pisces

Pisces forgot to write "arrange an arbitrary set of celestial indicators" on its comic-to-do list. Pisces have more important things to worry about. Pisces says to get off its case.

Aries 

You need not worry about your future. After unintentionally entangling yourself in an elaborate mystery, uncovering a criminal conspiracy whilst ironically struggling to extricate yourself from the aforementioned mystery, and inciting the anger of a local biker gang, you will not have a future.

Taurus

Now is the time to try something new. Taurus suggests its locally sourced, organic, non gmo, vegan and gluten-free Tofu tacos. They never expire and Taurus guarantees they won’t chip your teeth if you soak them in salsa for 15 minutes.

Gemini

Gemini expects your general sense of embittered self-pity to expand in March by 3.6 percent, up from last month’s 3.4 percent growth. You are slated for a self-confidence slump later this month which, aggravated by feelings of insubstantiality, will culminate in an existential crisis.

Cancer

The stars say it is highly inconceivable that the relative position of planets and stars could predict a meaningful event in your life path or destiny, but go ahead and reevaluate your relationship if that is what the alignment of two massive balls of gas millions of miles away means to you.

Leo 

Contrary to advice from your family, friends, a psychologist, and every instinct you possess, the stars urge you to ask out that cute, new hottie l in song.

Virgo

The monthly Virgo fortune forecasts severe winds of change will roar through your life. Expect a new sense of identity, a new name, highlights, and the possibility you may live under constant government surveillance and protection the rest of your natural born life.

Libra

The stars thought it was time you knew the truth. You are the only person who really exists and all the others are merely phantom images constructed by your scarred psyche in an attempt to comfort you, the lone survivor of a hostile alien invasion, as you wait out your final days on a desolate, barren earth.

Scorpio

The stars indicate you should not spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been. Eat the last slice of pizza. You know you want it. You see Aaron eying it. Dive for the cheesy golden triangle of pure Tostino’s deliciousness before it is too late.

Sagittarius

Note: This month’s horoscope has been seized by police as evidence in an on-going criminal investigation. Constellation Sagittarius is wanted for questioning in connection with arson. Anyone who spots the celestial body is encouraged to contact their nearest law enforcement agency immediately.

Capricorn

The stars would love to give you some relationship advice but they know you will only politely listen, nod your head, smile, and proceed to do whatever you please