Story by Jenna Million Illustrations by Hannah Hadidi
Editors’ Note: This is a satirical piece.
If you are attending ACL this year, chances are you have or will come across some of these people. You may even be one of them.
1. The Do-It-All Kid Eager and more than ready to have the best weekend of his/her life, this person has planned out every second of the festival in order to maximize their efficiency and fun. Not only are they committed to seeing six or seven bands a day, but they will also meet several of those bands, try food from every vendor and visit every sponsored tent for free swag, which they will proudly sport for the rest of the weekend as a display of their accomplishments.
2. The Ready-to-Party Crew This group will consist of approximately 10 guys and girls. They will be donning matching fashion accessories — neon Snapbacks and CamelBaks for the men, with fanny packs, flower crowns and glitter for the ladies. You’re most likely to get stuck next to this group while waiting for Iggy Azalea. By some higher power, more and more of “the crew” manage to find each other in the middle of a crowd of 25,000. As soon as Iggy hits the stage one of the guys will yell, “Play ‘Fancy!’” as if it weren’t an option. This crew goes hard and stops at nothing to have a good time.
3. The Out-of-Towner This person will be easily distinguishable. They will probably have some fashionable, overly “hipster” get-up and be flashing platinum passes. Chances are they visited SXSW last year and are still raving about all the famous people they met and how cute of a city Austin is. If you happen to come across one of these people, kindly suggest they move to Dallas.
4. The Old Hippie Yes, it’s true. Even though the lineup is filled with popular artists like Eminem, Calvin Harris and Lorde, grandma will be there in all her long, silver-haired glory, reliving her Woodstock days. You might find her getting a henna tat or sampling craft beer, but don’t be surprised if she winds up in the thick of the crowd dancing to Spoon.
5. The Festival Guru These people know what they’re doing, and it’s obvious. More likely than not, they will be sporting wristbands from Firefly, Bonnaroo or Lollapalooza. Oh, and they probably saw the Tupac hologram at Coachella 2012. If you are graced enough to talk with them, they might just bestow you with a little piece of wisdom that will change your festival experience forever.
6. The Dedicated Fan The dedicated fan will be seen one place and one place only — the barricade. They’ve been planning to see their favorite artist for months and they are not going to let anything or anyone get in the way. They are the first one through the gates at 10 a.m., and are prepared to do whatever it takes to secure their spot on the barricade in order to have their faces melted off by the artist they worship. In fact, they probably have their face painted with “I <3 (insert artist name here).”
7. The Texan The good ol’ Texan knows some of the bands on the lineup, but is mostly there for the experience. They have lived in Austin, or right on the outskirts, for the majority of their lives and have been going to ACL for years. You’ll find them wearing a Longhorns shirt, casual straw hat and sunglasses. Most of their time will be spent drinking beer with friends, their luxury reclining chairs and hand-held electric fans.